Tit For Tat

I checked in with one of my clients the other day about a first date she went on last weekend, to see how it went. We'll call her Sarah.*  Her response was (verbatim from her text): "The date was such a nice guy but not for me... He asked me out again and I was honest and said I would love to hang out as friends, but he didn't respond. He was really sweet, but I had no attraction whatsoever."  I immediately remembered that Sarah just went through a rough patch in her dating life a couple weeks prior, telling me that it seems like whenever she finally goes out with someone she likes, they don't call her or ask her out again.  No one ever likes her! 

I see this all the time and I went through it a lot myself.  After a string of dates that lead to nothing and some small rejections from people we thought we might like or actually DID like on one or two dates, but they never called again.  When you're feeling rejected, it's really easy to focus on all the people who didn't reciprocate the way you felt about them.  Even down to a simple little email that never got returned or a really fun first date that left you waiting and then... nada.  It's really easy to get sad after a few of those.

My response to Sarah last week is something I learned through experience and therapy while I was dating.  It's a STRATEGY I used to get me through the rough patches when I felt rejected or like I was losing faith in finding someone.  My response to her was: "Next time someone you like doesn't write back or call or ask you out, please remember this guy who really wanted to see you again.  Remember him and ALL the other men who have emailed you, called you, asked you out on dates, and you said no." How many times have you looked at an email from someone on a dating site and said - "OMG. No way. He is so not my type!  NEXT!"  I did that a lot when I was dating. So when I really sat down and thought about it, I realized that a lot of men were approaching me, just not the ones I was attracted to at that time.  It's very easy to focus on your own personal feelings of being rejected, but we tend to forget that we do a lot of our own rejection and it's just part of the process to find the right fit.  It's nothing that's wrong with you or them.  It's just HOW IT IS.  

So next time you're feeling like no one likes you (make sure you think about it in a super-whiny and sad voice), remember, there are LOTS of people who would love to go out with you - but you just aren't interested and that's ok.  Eventually, everything is aligned and the formula works out just right - no rejection on either end!  


*All names have been changed.